How I Blew My Wad....

E-mail exchange with K.

To: Jesse

From: K.

Hey, What would you say to me if the first time that we met was at a business luncheon?

MY REPLY -

To: K.

From: Jesse

Conference Lunch -
"Hi my name is Jesse ironically my job is one where I get paid well to talk to people yet I really don't like people, but because I am a money whore I do it and pretend that I love people. I also spend between 150 and 200 nights per year in hotels and can attest to the fact that the so called raters from hotels.com either smoke really good hashish and feel charitable before offering their ratings or are getting payola."

Then when you turn away in disgust -
"Sorry I was so strange earlier it is not often that I get to sit next to someone that knows more about the arts than some museum curators and I might've been a bit nervous. My only expertise that I can tell you about is spotting transvestites and industrial construction."

Yes I can be a silly goose at times, spotting trannys can be difficult unless you happen into the situation in which I did earlier this evening in a Denver hotel. I was joined by four 6' tall men in bad wigs that kept calling me daddy in the elevator. They got off then I was joined by the University of Diluth Hockey cheerleaders - at both times I truly felt emasculated - either of these groups had any number of women / men that could have seriously hurt me.

How is that for banter? Yes, it is true, the truth is far better than fiction that I could write.

HER REPLY

To: Jesse

From K.

Well, I'm glad I picked the right "scenerio" for our conversation. That is quite some witty banter. I think my response, after a good laugh, would be something like, how sad it is that you live out of hotels. I agree, they are never good. And I don't think any amount of money could entice me into that lifestyle. I would ask you whether you get a chance to really experience life bouncing from city to city, day to day.
But I would never turn away in disgust. I would just wonder silently how you manage... and then figure that some people prefer such a life. And also I'd wonder if you were presenting such a bleak picture for entertainment value.

MY REPLY

To: K.

From: Jesse

Greetings from the always vivacious city of Tulsa Oklahoma - The only city in the western hemisphere where Subway restaurants close at 7 pm.

It really is not as sad as most people would like to make the hotel lifestyle. I love it 99 nights out of 100 - Last night was kind of the exception. The hotel turned out to be fine, the transgendered people and I had a toast, them drinking champagne me drinking water in the elevator about "life being too short not to be who you are... etc." I then went to my room securely fastened my deadbolt took a melatonin and dreamed of the days when my dignity was still intact...

Do you think that it is ironic that O.J. Simpson robbed people in Las Vegas for memorabilia with his own signature on it? Did he not realize that all he had to do was, well sign more stuff?

Are you a fan of the electric toothbrush? I don't like them I LOVE them.

Sleep Well,

Jess

(Of course I did not straight copy and paste these things on, because, well I wanted to keep the saucier stuff out of this and also protect her e-mail from my two loyal readers - you two can be a bit hooliganesque.  How you like them apples?)

No, I have not met her... She is the semi-hot seemingly desperate big sister of one of my direlect friends who e-mailed me a while back when I said something extremely rude on a reply to all.

One final comment on client # 9

If that son of a bitch drives prices up at irreputable massage institutions all over America I am officially withdrawing my support....

Sorry to my 3 readers for lack of posts lately, but I just haven't felt funny lately....

I will post an e-mail exchange with a girl I know from today a little later it is the only thing that I have said that is remotely cute....

Client #9 in 2008

Why is there all of this hoopla about a man spending $4300 on a hooker? 

I mean come on, it is 2008 we should at least all agree that this is an issue that client # 9 and Mrs. Client # 9 need to deal with, it is an unfortunate thing... That prostitution is illegal and soft money is still legal, it is unfortunate that prostitution has a worse stigma than over eating yet I believe heart attacks kill more people annually than stds that are acquired from ladies (and gentlemen) of the night.

Yes, Client # 9 was a hypocrite in busting prostitution rings only a few short years before he frequented them.  Yes, Client # 9 is a married man, yes, Client # 9 is scary looking.  Really though, it is 2008, can we please quit feigning outrage? 

Some of you may ask, "Jess, why would he cheat?"  I could answer that any number of ways, starting with

* Because his wife quit putting out.

All the way up to 

* Because he thought he could get by with it.

There are a lot of reasons that men cheat, Chris Rock said "We are only as faithful as our options." I don't necessarily believe it but Bob Kelly believes it may have had something to do with the fact that she has given birth to a third of a baseball team a whole outfield if you will. 

I believe that Client # 9 got bored, thought he could get by with it and did it.  If I were him I would be asking why we are attempting to enforce arcane laws instead of rewriting them into 21st century terms. 

I guess we are only as faithful as our options... So, I propose that we start a write in ballot of Client # 9 for president in 2008.  I just hope that this story does not affect the hooker pricing in my part of the world.

Why....

.... Would I or anyone else for that matter be very particular about the women that we date, yet still agree to $100.00 worth of shall we say extra favors from the ugliest masseuse in the whole world?

I am not saying that she was just ugly, I am saying that this lady was so ugly that she would scare off a blind serial rapist.  Yet, I do not have the ability to say no.  She asked in broken english if I wanted to, well continue... What could I say?  "The only slightly hot image that involves you that I my mind can come up with is one of you getting hit by a car."  That hardly seemed appropriate so I just closed my eyes and conjured up an image of a lady that I met many moons ago and got through strictly on my willpower. 

When did I become like this?  Is this as bad as it seems or is it that I am irritable because I quit smoking a month ago?  Why did I pay for an hour when I spent a total of thirty minutes? 

The Candidates broken down simply...

Clinton: The name

Obama: The hope

McCain: The resume

Any way that you look at this race though it is almost soap opera-esque.  Obama - The black guy that came out of nowhere.  The one that is ironically black but appears to be running as the great white hope.

Clinton - The lady that stuck by her man patiently waiting for her turn.  Hell, she lived in Arkansa to get here. 

McCain - The war hero hated by his own party.  Does this not seem like something that even old Billy Shakespeare would appreciate? 

Tell me your thoughts.

Scenes from Denver International Airport.....

At the Sandwich Shop near gate C-47.

As a couple makes out on the chairs next to me.

Me:"Whatever happened to good old fashioned parking lot sex?"

Conversation with a Older Lady in the Hotel Fitness Center

Her: "Good Morning."

Me: "Yes, it is I suppose."

Her: "Did you sleep okay?"

Me: "Yes, ever since I tried Heath Ledger's Ambien cocktail I have not had a bit of trouble with insomnia."

Her: "Really?"

Me: "No, I'm just being a silly goose and answering you in ways that I feel might thwart you from asking more questions because I am anti-social, I also have self worth issues and can not make a relationship with a woman last, am such a people pleaser that I have almost convinced myself that I like some people, and am now seriously addicted to treadmills and Subway's Ham and Turkey Sandwich on Wheat bread with pepper jack cheese, jalapenos, spinach and just a touch of mustard.  All in all I am not a good conversationalist on Saturdee mornings."

Her: "Uh okay, do you want my treadmill?"

Me: "Alas my dear ole dame I would love to have it but this morning I am relegated to the stair master.  For the only true way to get in shape is to ah hell what do I know, thanks anyway but I ran on the treadmill last night."

Her: "Can I ask you a personal question?"

Me: "As long as you do not bring up the unfortunate incident in 1994 with carpet cleaning poducts and some neighborhood kids being silly.  Truth be told I have not seen my dignity since."

Her: "You are disturbed but kinda funny.  The question is are you supporting Barrack Obama for president?"

Me: "Does my white guilt show that much?"

Her: "You are just of the age that I figured you were."

Me: "I am so white that the other day I was wearing a short sleeved shirt and this lady thought I had on a white undershirt."

Her: "You are avoiding the question."

Me: "I am good at closing my eyes and praying that certain people and things go away."

Her: "why are your eyes closed?"

Me: (To myself) "Fa la la go to a happy place.  Like that time that you got into the dental hygenist student party.  How wonderful, too bad they asked you to leave huh stupid?"

Listening to Hillary is like....

Hearing your doctor say that you need emergency rectal surgery.

It may be necessary, it may even alleviate the pain in your ass, but the thought of it and the anticipation is downright dreadful... even with a couple of loor tabs it still sucks.

While I Was Listening to Mitt Rimney's Speech...

I wondered whether there has ever been a non-caucasian named Mitt? Just listening to the guy I start to feel white guilt, I really just want to apologize to a black person, for all the atrocities when I listen to him.

He really seems like the kind of guy that would stand at the trading post handing out measel soaked blankets and trying to negotiate the price of a fried bread sandwich.

Super Tuesday Redux

P.O.T.U.S. 08 makes melatonin look like methamphetamine.

Thanks to Jim Norton for the line