How I Blew My Wad....

Why....

.... Would I or anyone else for that matter be very particular about the women that we date, yet still agree to $100.00 worth of shall we say extra favors from the ugliest masseuse in the whole world?

I am not saying that she was just ugly, I am saying that this lady was so ugly that she would scare off a blind serial rapist.  Yet, I do not have the ability to say no.  She asked in broken english if I wanted to, well continue... What could I say?  "The only slightly hot image that involves you that I my mind can come up with is one of you getting hit by a car."  That hardly seemed appropriate so I just closed my eyes and conjured up an image of a lady that I met many moons ago and got through strictly on my willpower. 

When did I become like this?  Is this as bad as it seems or is it that I am irritable because I quit smoking a month ago?  Why did I pay for an hour when I spent a total of thirty minutes? 

The Candidates broken down simply...

Clinton: The name

Obama: The hope

McCain: The resume

Any way that you look at this race though it is almost soap opera-esque.  Obama - The black guy that came out of nowhere.  The one that is ironically black but appears to be running as the great white hope.

Clinton - The lady that stuck by her man patiently waiting for her turn.  Hell, she lived in Arkansa to get here. 

McCain - The war hero hated by his own party.  Does this not seem like something that even old Billy Shakespeare would appreciate? 

Tell me your thoughts.

Scenes from Denver International Airport.....

At the Sandwich Shop near gate C-47.

As a couple makes out on the chairs next to me.

Me:"Whatever happened to good old fashioned parking lot sex?"

Conversation with a Older Lady in the Hotel Fitness Center

Her: "Good Morning."

Me: "Yes, it is I suppose."

Her: "Did you sleep okay?"

Me: "Yes, ever since I tried Heath Ledger's Ambien cocktail I have not had a bit of trouble with insomnia."

Her: "Really?"

Me: "No, I'm just being a silly goose and answering you in ways that I feel might thwart you from asking more questions because I am anti-social, I also have self worth issues and can not make a relationship with a woman last, am such a people pleaser that I have almost convinced myself that I like some people, and am now seriously addicted to treadmills and Subway's Ham and Turkey Sandwich on Wheat bread with pepper jack cheese, jalapenos, spinach and just a touch of mustard.  All in all I am not a good conversationalist on Saturdee mornings."

Her: "Uh okay, do you want my treadmill?"

Me: "Alas my dear ole dame I would love to have it but this morning I am relegated to the stair master.  For the only true way to get in shape is to ah hell what do I know, thanks anyway but I ran on the treadmill last night."

Her: "Can I ask you a personal question?"

Me: "As long as you do not bring up the unfortunate incident in 1994 with carpet cleaning poducts and some neighborhood kids being silly.  Truth be told I have not seen my dignity since."

Her: "You are disturbed but kinda funny.  The question is are you supporting Barrack Obama for president?"

Me: "Does my white guilt show that much?"

Her: "You are just of the age that I figured you were."

Me: "I am so white that the other day I was wearing a short sleeved shirt and this lady thought I had on a white undershirt."

Her: "You are avoiding the question."

Me: "I am good at closing my eyes and praying that certain people and things go away."

Her: "why are your eyes closed?"

Me: (To myself) "Fa la la go to a happy place.  Like that time that you got into the dental hygenist student party.  How wonderful, too bad they asked you to leave huh stupid?"

Listening to Hillary is like....

Hearing your doctor say that you need emergency rectal surgery.

It may be necessary, it may even alleviate the pain in your ass, but the thought of it and the anticipation is downright dreadful... even with a couple of loor tabs it still sucks.

While I Was Listening to Mitt Rimney's Speech...

I wondered whether there has ever been a non-caucasian named Mitt? Just listening to the guy I start to feel white guilt, I really just want to apologize to a black person, for all the atrocities when I listen to him.

He really seems like the kind of guy that would stand at the trading post handing out measel soaked blankets and trying to negotiate the price of a fried bread sandwich.

Super Tuesday Redux

P.O.T.U.S. 08 makes melatonin look like methamphetamine.

Thanks to Jim Norton for the line