How I Blew My Wad....

Hmm...

I was in Boise Idaho a couple of weeks ago for a get together with some other white bread friends of mine.  What?  Normally I don't talk like that.  Well, spend a day in your wayback machine (I use Southwest Airlines but any that fly there work) folks, strap in and relax because Boise Idaho is still living in the 1950's.  It was fucking amazing.

I know why Larry Craig tapped his foot in the Minneapolis bathroom stall, he was hoping to conjure up a black person, there are none in his homestate.

While I was there, a right to life protest was going on downtown, so I quickly parked and joined the protest, I have not seen that many white headed men since Mitt Romney held a fund raiser at the Boston Masonic Lodge.  It was unreal, during my talking to protesters who think that they, old white fat bald men in Boise, know what to do with a women's body I saw an amazing sign.  It stated as follows.

"Martin Luther King was an idiat."

I had to talk to this specimen, so I approached him.  I asked him if he had the right rally, he said "Oh yeah I do brother." I asked how the two were related, he told me that he was a member of Boise KKK and started talking about the Jena 6.  I knew I had a winner.

I am all for the constitution, freedom of speech is important, but this guy can not even spell idiot.  What are their 7 black people in Boise?  What do the Boise KKK agendas look like?  How can a racist biggot like this be allowed to represent the people of Boise?  Here is a mock Boise KKK agenda.

1. Get the Johnson's

2. ?????

I repeat fucking people are amazing. I am officially appalled.

I have sunk to a new low....

Last month between Christmas and New Years I believe that I had a complete breakdown and lost all my sense.  So, what happened?  I got into some menus on my cell phone and found one called "chat and dating" under that I found some service that porported to be free, or at least free to join.... and met enough lonely girls or people that claimed to be girls, to run up $573.00 in chatting at $.50 a piece,  you can tell how fucking pathetic I am. 

I must need to find a girl with self esteem issues that would give me the time of day at least for a week or two.

Presidential Candidates

Who is the best?

Obama

Clinton

McCain

Huckaby

Romney

How I blew my wad is not a political website, but politics seems to be in the news a lot right now so, I plan on dissecting each of these candidates and...

Keeping my opinion to myself.  If anyone actually cared what I thought, I would not be doing gigs in comedy clubs for a couple of hundred dollars.  I would be pontificating my views to people throughout wider mediams.  So, uh yea, thats all I am going to say about that.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled program of terrible loneliness, prostitution and text messaging.

Tomorrow or Friday I will tell a story of such sadness that all of you must loff and loff.

The thing about me....

Is that I really am a decent guy, though it is covered up by my strange obsessions and willingness to tell everyone everything. 

Example -

I met a girl the other day, she was nice enough but had a chili bowl haircut which I was sure went out of style in 1989, but anyway... I for some reason felt the need to relate to her that when I was in kindergarten I had went to school with a chili bowl haircut and after I saw that and looked at my dick I found an uncanny resemblance.  So, my dick has been known as Theresa ever since because of something that I saw years ago.  My strange obsessive mind actually went ahead and changed my cock's last name to Smith a couple of years ago, because I was sure that Theresa had gotten married to some gent by now and since I did not know her new last name I went generic. I thought that it was a sweet enough story, yet it seemed to get a lukewarm reception from her.

Why did I feel the need to tell this woman that I had just met in a hotel lobby such things about myself?   

How I blew my wad... Tonight.

I haven't. Though if I did it wouldn't have been in an Asian massage parlor and my wallet wouldn't feel so light. 

I do enjoy a women that speaks no English.

Post Iowa Redux Quote

"I don't drink, but I like girls who do."
Jim Norton

The desperate guy....

Edited by me....

Restraint of tongue and pen includes e-mail and stupid blog posts I guess.

Playing out your boring life on speakerphone in the office next to mine...

...Is not to be tolerated. Seriously people if I want to hear rejection, loathing, and despair on the phone I will call one of my previous former girlfriends and ask them what they got me as a X-Mas present.  I really do not need to hear your sad human interactions with vendors which you have creeped out enough that they show a coldness to you on the phone when either their  caller id shows your number or they hear your waddlie doodle greeting.

I already loath myself, please don't show me how much others  loath you.

More questions than answers....

I was in Las Vegas this past weekend, I've always been a fan of Las Vegas.  The lights, the action, the people.  People seem to lose all inhibitions in Las Vegas. 

While walking through the food court at the Monte Carlo I saw a transvestite and a midget.  I know midget is not politically correct, but I don't like little the phrase "little people" either.  They seemed to be quite a happy couple walking around large hand in disproportionately large hand. It was kind of sweet.  Though the more I thought about it the more questions arise.  Such as, Where did they meet?  Was it a party?  If so then who throws this kind of party?  How do I get an invitation?  I could have three months worth of material if they let me in.  Who pays?  Do they go dutch?  Who is the earner in the relationship?  Who stays home and feeds their cats and pet iguana while these two trot around the food court holding hands and humming show tunes? Who  writes the checks and  who does the laundry?  Have they exchanged vows yet?  Are they still at the honeymoon phase of their  relationship?  If not, how do they keep straight faces during their fights?

I also met a fifty-something cougar who told me that she could do things to me that would make my head spin?  I did not take her up on the offer, because, well, I am not into chasing cougars and besides a grey wig (I'm sure she was bald) would not look good beside my night stand.  She also got many questions running through my head, like.... How many guys has she actually picked up with the head spin line?  How old is too old?  When the fuck did I start considering sleeping with women older than my parents? Why me?  I am about as hot as the temp ambient temperature in Cody Wyoming in late January. 

On my flight back to Denver tonight, I was seated across the aisle from a Hindu family, who had been out to Vegas to protest the National Finals Rodeo.  They were feeling spunky and when the cowboys in the front started singing "Viva Viagra" they started cussing them.  I immediately took this as an opportunity to instigate a bit, and asked them how the rodeo was.  They said it was good they stood outside with signs protesting.  I then noticed the most amazing thing while the elderly Hindu gentleman was explaining to me about the cows and sacred and god only knows what else, (I tuned him out after a while) he had on leather shoes.  I repeat, leather fucking shoes.  He had just spent a good twenty minutes explaining to me about the sacred cow and he is wearing their fucking skins on his feet.  I started a fit of uncontrollable giggles and he explained that the sales man told him that the cows had died of natural causes.  I can't even say anymore.  It says it all.  Bless that salesman's heart, because if the Hindu religion is right he has an executive position waiting for him in hell, though you have to give him credit, he must be good.  I asked what store and he simply replied "Shoes for less of course."  How could I have not known?

So much more to say, but... It is 1:09 Am and I have work to do tomorrow. 

A Conversation that I had to Interject in...

Random Street Maintenance Worker #1; 38 +16 is 52 right?

Random Street Maintenance Worker  #2; No, it is 53.

RSMW#1; No, I'm sure that it's 52.

RSMW#2;  No, I'm sure that it is 53.

RSMW#1; Maybe you are right. 

Me; (from across the parking lot) No Gawd damn it the fucking answer is 54. This is simple fucking math people, we are not talking some e=mc2 shit, this is simple elementary arithmetic.

RSMW#1; He sounds hostile.

RSMW #2; Yeah, but he sure knows his math.