How I Blew My Wad....

Scenes from Denver International Airport.....

At the Sandwich Shop near gate C-47.

As a couple makes out on the chairs next to me.

Me:"Whatever happened to good old fashioned parking lot sex?"

Conversation with a Older Lady in the Hotel Fitness Center

Her: "Good Morning."

Me: "Yes, it is I suppose."

Her: "Did you sleep okay?"

Me: "Yes, ever since I tried Heath Ledger's Ambien cocktail I have not had a bit of trouble with insomnia."

Her: "Really?"

Me: "No, I'm just being a silly goose and answering you in ways that I feel might thwart you from asking more questions because I am anti-social, I also have self worth issues and can not make a relationship with a woman last, am such a people pleaser that I have almost convinced myself that I like some people, and am now seriously addicted to treadmills and Subway's Ham and Turkey Sandwich on Wheat bread with pepper jack cheese, jalapenos, spinach and just a touch of mustard.  All in all I am not a good conversationalist on Saturdee mornings."

Her: "Uh okay, do you want my treadmill?"

Me: "Alas my dear ole dame I would love to have it but this morning I am relegated to the stair master.  For the only true way to get in shape is to ah hell what do I know, thanks anyway but I ran on the treadmill last night."

Her: "Can I ask you a personal question?"

Me: "As long as you do not bring up the unfortunate incident in 1994 with carpet cleaning poducts and some neighborhood kids being silly.  Truth be told I have not seen my dignity since."

Her: "You are disturbed but kinda funny.  The question is are you supporting Barrack Obama for president?"

Me: "Does my white guilt show that much?"

Her: "You are just of the age that I figured you were."

Me: "I am so white that the other day I was wearing a short sleeved shirt and this lady thought I had on a white undershirt."

Her: "You are avoiding the question."

Me: "I am good at closing my eyes and praying that certain people and things go away."

Her: "why are your eyes closed?"

Me: (To myself) "Fa la la go to a happy place.  Like that time that you got into the dental hygenist student party.  How wonderful, too bad they asked you to leave huh stupid?"

How I blew my wad... Tonight.

I haven't. Though if I did it wouldn't have been in an Asian massage parlor and my wallet wouldn't feel so light. 

I do enjoy a women that speaks no English.

The desperate guy....

Edited by me....

Restraint of tongue and pen includes e-mail and stupid blog posts I guess.

More questions than answers....

I was in Las Vegas this past weekend, I've always been a fan of Las Vegas.  The lights, the action, the people.  People seem to lose all inhibitions in Las Vegas. 

While walking through the food court at the Monte Carlo I saw a transvestite and a midget.  I know midget is not politically correct, but I don't like little the phrase "little people" either.  They seemed to be quite a happy couple walking around large hand in disproportionately large hand. It was kind of sweet.  Though the more I thought about it the more questions arise.  Such as, Where did they meet?  Was it a party?  If so then who throws this kind of party?  How do I get an invitation?  I could have three months worth of material if they let me in.  Who pays?  Do they go dutch?  Who is the earner in the relationship?  Who stays home and feeds their cats and pet iguana while these two trot around the food court holding hands and humming show tunes? Who  writes the checks and  who does the laundry?  Have they exchanged vows yet?  Are they still at the honeymoon phase of their  relationship?  If not, how do they keep straight faces during their fights?

I also met a fifty-something cougar who told me that she could do things to me that would make my head spin?  I did not take her up on the offer, because, well, I am not into chasing cougars and besides a grey wig (I'm sure she was bald) would not look good beside my night stand.  She also got many questions running through my head, like.... How many guys has she actually picked up with the head spin line?  How old is too old?  When the fuck did I start considering sleeping with women older than my parents? Why me?  I am about as hot as the temp ambient temperature in Cody Wyoming in late January. 

On my flight back to Denver tonight, I was seated across the aisle from a Hindu family, who had been out to Vegas to protest the National Finals Rodeo.  They were feeling spunky and when the cowboys in the front started singing "Viva Viagra" they started cussing them.  I immediately took this as an opportunity to instigate a bit, and asked them how the rodeo was.  They said it was good they stood outside with signs protesting.  I then noticed the most amazing thing while the elderly Hindu gentleman was explaining to me about the cows and sacred and god only knows what else, (I tuned him out after a while) he had on leather shoes.  I repeat, leather fucking shoes.  He had just spent a good twenty minutes explaining to me about the sacred cow and he is wearing their fucking skins on his feet.  I started a fit of uncontrollable giggles and he explained that the sales man told him that the cows had died of natural causes.  I can't even say anymore.  It says it all.  Bless that salesman's heart, because if the Hindu religion is right he has an executive position waiting for him in hell, though you have to give him credit, he must be good.  I asked what store and he simply replied "Shoes for less of course."  How could I have not known?

So much more to say, but... It is 1:09 Am and I have work to do tomorrow. 

Strange Thing

I was in Phoenix this past weekend and I saw or actually heard the damndest thing of my life. 

They censor music at a strip club.  Yes, my friends they beep out the curse words in music played at certain strip clubs.  I know that they checked my id to get in the door, where there was more silicone than the whole San Jose California area (Did I mention that I love silicone?) yet, they do not want my delicate ears to hear the occasional ''fuck'' in a Greenday song. 

My stupid mind would not let it go.  I sat and listened for beeps, dancers would come by and attempt to talk to me and I would shush them because I absolutely had to hear Jay-Z say that he had 99 problems but a BEEP aint one.

All in all a dull evening in which my people pleasing dullard personality spent $60.00 on lap dances from a girl named Laura who I was afraid to offend by saying no to another dance even though she did nothing for me.    

s ss s  s s i